A big thanks to....

laura from here... for being so considerate and kind. Actually thanks to everyone who comments. It really does help. That's not to say I'm doing better in reality but my head is in a slightly better place.

Also I handed in another assignment today so that's good. I have only two classes tomorrow, one Politics-Intro to Gov. & Pol tutorial and a lecture of the same.

I'm going to challenge myself to go to the Farmers' Market close by tomorrow as I have been avoiding the Tuesday one in my college courtyard.

Today was the second last class with one of my favorite lecturers until next semester. Booooo :S. Hopefully the other lecturer is just as good.

I had a meeting with my courses advisor about my ED today..... She wants to help but I don't think she 'gets' it. She's an amazing woman who campaigns for rights of Muslim women and I can't help but think that she views me as selfish.... I view myself the same but it hurts when others do. (There I go again, concentrating what other people think of me. Typical Ego Weak person).

I will have a new nutritionist soon. I also have bi-weekly appointments with my doctor up near college. I didn't dare look at the scales today. I might scare myself. Bloating is getting uncontrollable.

My knee is not infected just super ucky. The doctor thinks I got the infection out myself. She is the same as me in that she is super hard on herself and so she's not just your normal doctor. I can't bare talk to my doctor at home because I deceived her a lot in the past and she's the mother of one of my friends. It's just so awkward. Today my doctor appointment took one hour even though loads of people were waiting outside. She really is so caring. I can't help but add her onto the list of people I am failing.

I got a good surprise today....and everyone is college was super nice for some reason.

I didn't buy milk today because they had none that was both fat free and organic. I felt like hyperventilating. I'm trying to force myself to drink milk for osteoporosis but I cannot bring myself to drink anything else except when I'm at home that I make do with Organic Low-Fat. I understand that it is dumb but I cannot get over the fear of fat (and carbs and sugar and calories and salt etc).

I missed my bone scan last week. Now I'm getting paranoid about my bones.

Liverpool lost :( and all the fuckers outside my window are cheering 'C'mon Lyon'. Grrrr!

That was such a babble of thoughts. I'm going to go and do some of my Henry IV and my subculture essays.

Love you all.

'Distorted eyes, When everything is clearly dying'

Sorry for being MIA lately.

I am in a messed up state of mind.

I have nothing positive to say.

I've still being reading all of your blogs though I haven't been commenting.

I don't want to bring so much negativity so I'm journaling in my new book. Though unfortunately that too has been riddled with problems. Journaling for me has always meant tracking food intake until there is nothing to track. I have no will to recover. I think I'm getting a second therapist for when I'm up in college. FUN FUN. I have four assignments due and I can't concentrate because all I can think of is my hideous thighs and stomach. I can't deal with the bloating. If the doctor doesn't give me something tomorrow I don't know what I'm going to do.

In other news, I think I broke at least one of my toes, I fell and smashed my knees up to a degree that no one else can even look at them without wincing, I think I'm getting a fever, I feel disgusting and worthless, I lost my Ray-bans which were a present for my final exams from my mom, I lost my lucky keying from Disneyland Paris and I lost my earrings that were a graduation gift and finally my graduation gift from my parents (a swar

ovski necklace) is falling apart. FUCK RECOVERY. It's messed my brain up so fucking much. I don't know what I want. I don't know who/what to trust. I adore my therapist but I feel as though she's just another person to disappoint. I hate this. I feel as though I can't go outside the door like this. Doctor tomorrow. And another assignment due. Plus one of my three essays to be started. I want to be free.

'I starve because of the fear of losing control. When I feel in control is when I have truly lost control'

EDIT

I adore my mother to the extreme! Our phone calls give me a reason to live. I can tell her more now that I'm far away from her.

If you haven't sat down and talked to your mother (or father) properly in a while, do it today. They are wiser than we give them credit for. If you already are a mother (or indeed a father) yourself, make an extra effort to tell your child(ren) that you're there if they need to talk. Parents are the friends you never choose.

xoxoxoxox

One more lb.

and I will be hospitalized with a psychiatric record. I will be taken out of college and put in 3 months of bed-rest with force feeding of white bread and all kinds of things I cannot eat. I will have multiple blood tests from people other that the only doctor I trust. I will have to leave Limerick and the life I've set up for myself.

I cannot do that! And at the same time my eating patterns have became more irregular since I learned this. My therapist thinks she went a bit hard on me on Friday. I don't agree because I need some of this 'tough love'. Sometimes I think my mother is getting sick of me complaining and crying about food. I want to be better and yet if I gain, I know I will go crazy.

I worry about people thinking that I have problems and yet when I see pictures of me looking happy I feel like screaming 'Liar' at myself. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

2 Post, One Day?!

Madness. Plus it's only half 12. But I've done all I can do without having to start anything new and risk missing my Political Science lecture, which I enjoy so I'm making sure not to.

We have a new housemate. He's a dote.

I realized my other housemate is in my morning History lecture. This is proof that I'm way to dopey with names and faces.

I sat beside one of the girl's in my course who's already becoming one of my favorite people I've meet since college.

I got a sweet text from Mom.

I realized how lucky I really am.

No more complaining (for today at least).

I just wanted to say a big thanks for all the sweet support I've got from the online community. I still can't get over it when someone who's blog I've read for a long time, and gave me the extra push to get healthy, comments on my blog. It's so crazy and amazing and lovely. I just wanted to say thanks. You have no idea how much your comments mean to me. It's so sweet that someone makes the time & effort to write a sweet comment.

Big hugs and kisses to you all and I hope your all having a good day too.

Yesterday's List

was completed & a lot more added to it (Library for Subculture books, Politics 1 - Bibiographical Essay planning etc).

Yesterday I allowed irrelevant things to upset my mood.

Yesterday I cried a lot.

Yesterday I freaked out about two pieces of popcorn eaten to avoid stares.

Yesterday I had people continously ask 'what is your appointment for?'.

Yesterday was not a good day.

Will today be any better?

8.30-9 = Tidy room, pack bags.

10 = Do hair, get dressed etc.

11-12 = History, Early Modern Europe.

12 (Noon) = Recycle, dump rubbish etc.

1-2 = Political Science & Research.

2-3 = Collect bags & walk to East Gate.

3-5.45 = Get bus half the way home.

6-7=Therapy.

7-8.30=Sit in the car.

8.30=Arrive home.

9 approx (depends on how long my parents continue yapping about missing me.) = Shower & Stationary bike.

Late night = Set B&B Dining Room

Then the whole night is free. It is not free however to do what some people want me to do.

Social obligations stress me. I did last night's party, and it wasn't easy, I can't do it again so soon.

I'm going to go and tidy the kitchen or something.

I hope everyone is well.

EDIT-

To stop it being such a pessimistic post I have added the following good/funny things that happened yesterday -

• I was the only girl in my 9am class.
• My Sociology tutorial teacher knows my name (v.important becuase she writes notes that directly affect our grade after each class on us all individulaly. I had been making sure to always be prepared for class & always answering questions.)
• All of my course appears to know my name & chat to me easily. This could also be bad because I used to think I was good with names but since arriving in college I have discovered I'm not.
• I met a lot of lovely people at the party.
• I didn't have to drink.
• Everyone I knew was happy to see me. Also could be bad because it made my absecence as other similar gatherings to the fore.
• I was put in nice groups during my tutorial.

I'm just after remembering lots of bad things.

Public Admin was super boring.

I sent a mean text to someone. etc

But I'm not going to dwell on it.

A New Tomorrow...&lots of incoherent ramblings

Tomorrows Plan

• If up in time = 24hr Dunnes & buy hand towel for the main bathroom(I don't want to have to leave one of my own in there)
• 9am-10am = Political Science & Research - Lecture
• 10am = Go To Superquinn
• 11am = Finish my Sociology homework
• 12(mid day) - 1pm = Public Administration Tutorial
• 1pm = Buy Birthday Card
• 2pm = Sociology Tutorial
• 3pm-5pm= Double Public Admin Lecture
• 5pm - 6pm = Sociology Lecture
• 6pm = Do Hair and shower
• Spare Time = Do extra 'introduction to politics class' essay planning
• 8?pm = Get ready (make up, hair, clothes, etc)
• 9.30pm = Go to party

I've realized I've started eating quickly. I used to be the queen of slow eaters and pissed everyone else off.....ekk. I think it's because I don't want to enjoy it.

I'm so lazy lately. My foot has been killing me and it may be broken. I should be looking forward to tomorrow but I'm not.

I bought tons of books for my History essay, my Politics (intro) essay & my Sociology essay. I also got way too many clothes, which is odd because I've grown to hate clothes shopping. I feel like a balloon.

When I started to try to recover I used to eat with a purpose, now I eat when nothings happening. I'm not saying I eat when I'm bored. I'm saying I eat to stop myself thinking. I hate being in crowds, and I love my 'me' time but I hate being alone with my thoughts.

I got a package that was sent about two weeks ago today. It couldn't fit in our letterbox so they kept it in the reception and they were sending another girl with my name emails telling her to collect it. Haha. I love packages.

I've done okay(ish) today. No mindless eating/bingeing. Still ate to much in my opinion.

Here's to tomorrow!

My perfectionism is back...

...my room here in college had turned to crap lately. It's a teensy room so any mess makes it impossible to move here. But in the past week I'd let it build up.

Today I* was back in full force.

I reorganized my folder.

I separated the folders.

I reorganized my notebooks.

I set to work with my highlighter.

I tidied my room.

I organized my book case.

I bought new books that I'll need in a few more weeks.

I threw things out.

I did my washing up.

I washed my hair.

I hovered.

Is it terrible that I'm so glad I'm back to my perfectionist ways? Is it so bad that my ideal body type is that of a guys? Is it bad that all I can care about today is the way my jeans are fitting differently (more snugly?) than usual?

I'm going to get to work at planning my Politics essay and curling my hair.

My bloods came back. Iron & Protein levels low.....Que. suprise!

*ED

PS these pictures are old they're just to show how small the place is.

PPS I am aware of how horrible the room is, but since it takes me 5 minutes to walk to my furthest away lecture I say that's a pretty small price to pay.